Are You At War With Yourself?
Are you at war with yourself?
A common internal battle I see in betrayed partners is when one part of them wants to believe their addicted spouse is evil and monstrous. If we believe this, we can keep ourselves from their harm through anger which helps us hold boundaries. Another part of us has empathy for the husband who was exposed to porn early, neglected by his parents, or who has gone through many difficulties in life. This part of wants us to be compassionate and leave the door open to restore the relationship. We can see that he didn't start this addiction willfully even though he continues to choose it.
The former part often believes the greatest threat to us is empathy because it makes us soft and exposed to the abusive behaviors that are a part of our husband's acting out. It knows how our husbands may have weaponized our empathy and forgiveness against us. This part sees that he treats others with more respect than he treats us, so he knows what he is doing. Empathy means we will endure more abuse, that it will never stop.
The latter often believes that hardness will cause us to shame our husbands, become bitter, destroy our marriage, and be out of the will of Our Father Who calls us to love and forgive as He loves and forgives. Anger, this part may believe, will steal our joy and make us unattractive to the man whose might could recover should we be enough of a motivation. This part might think boundaries will keep our husbands from reconciling with us and tells us that the rage we feel inside is unholy. Unconditional love and empathy like the Saints will bring us what we are longing for - the love of our husbands even if it comes on their deathbed. It will be worth it.
But neither of these parts hold the complete truth.
Read that again.
Neither.
Yet, each part of you feels sure that their way is the right way. They learned these ideas and made their plans based on things that have happened to you, that you learned through experience of from hearing from others, that you tried out and it worked out in the past.
These parts alert you through sensation (that tight chest when you know he has acted out but let him know how much you love him; that shaking as attempt to set a boundary), memories you may roll over again and again in your mind (that time you forgave him and things got so much better for a while; when you were so angry you screamed at him to leave which caused him to start doing therapy), and ideas you may have encountered ("As soon as your husband feels respected again, he'll be looking for any chance to delight you" or "Once a cheater, always a cheater").
Each sweet part of you is trying to protect you from pain and suffering. The truth is that each of these parts are taking on a role they were never meant to carry. God has a different design for clarity, courage, and compassion to be accessed and used. He didn't design you to abandon, destroy, or hate a very part of who you are.
Come learn how to end the war inside you, find peace, and engage in God-led healing after betrayal in our Come Awake Christian Women's Support Group. Every part of you is welcome!
Do your parts long to tell their story and have others hear and understand? Join our upcoming Storywork Group.
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